Rate my verse out of 5 and how can i improve it?

good verse and poetry should 'set off' a 'short film' in your head . . to some extent yours does . .of course,with the 'killer melody' it would probably work even better. .then too you might be able to extract or translate from your stuff a killer lyric to turn into a chorus . .out of five,I rate this effort . .(suspenseful silence . .drum roll . .) 3.7 . .(applause) . .